Defining Your Bucket List for 2018: The Running of the Bulls and Other Idiotic Male Rites of Passage
As the calendar ticks over to a new year and we ponder the inexorable march of time, many of our minds turn to how we can plan for a more memorable and exciting year than the one we just exited. It got me to thinking about how I constructed my twelve-month bucket list as a single guy for The Best Year Ever—and what made my list vs. missed the cut.
From the moment the first Cro-Magnon picked up a rock, men have set out to prove themselves as men by performing death-defying—and logic-defying—feats. For a variety of reasons (some emotional, some literary, some valid, some stupid), it was therefore important to me that my special year include at least one event that involved real danger. Thus I traveled to Pamplona, Spain to Run with the Bulls. I figured I would grab life by the horns, which is especially risky if those horns aren’t just a metaphor but real and attached to the unfriendly end of a 1,400-pound steer named Garboso (or Alerto or Garrochisto). There’s nothing like several tons of muscle, hooves, and horns to cure a guy’s sense of fatalism.
If you’re unfamiliar with the Running of the Bulls, it’s simple to explain because it’s exactly what it sounds like. An 875-meter stretch of road in Pamplona, Spain, is barricaded off and then filled with runners dressed in white, who are herded through the street (role reversal alert) by fifteen pissed-off bovines—six bulls, six steers, and a trio of “cleanup crew” oxen that follow along after the main pack to make sure that no bull is left behind.
This epic act of suicidal surrealism right out of Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises takes place every morning for eight days as part of the festival of San Fermin, which celebrates the patron saint of the Navarre region of Spain. The run originated with ranchers who herded their cattle from the countryside into the old city specifically for the festival. Now it’s a chance for (mostly) young men to flex their machismo in the face of La Muerte and knock an item off their bucket lists.
But putting yourself in front of an animal that’s many times stronger and faster (and in some cases, probably smarter) than you is just one example of the stupid stuff men do to prove their personal badassery. There are many others, including but not limited to:
- Bad Tattoos—Believe it or not, this isn’t just a thing Ed Helms did in The Hangover. You’re probably lucky you didn’t get a flesh-eating infection along with your chance to prove that you were free-wheeling enough to get in the back of that “freelance tattoo artist’s” severely unhygienic van. Sure, you sat through the pain like a champ. And yeah, you now have a cool but questionable Chinese character that means either “Wisdom” or “Thursday” on your forearm. Just hope you don’t accidentally wear short sleeves to a job interview with a fluent Mandarin speaker in the future. That’s a steep price to pay for what Jimmy Buffett famously called “a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.”
- Eating Competitions—Nothing says manly like eating your weight in pancakes, hot dogs, or fried pickles. But heartburn isn’t the only danger lurking. People have died from asphyxiating on food during eating competitions. And if the chicken bones don’t get you the first time, there are real health complications for long-term competitive eaters. They include a stretched-out stomach, epic acid reflux, increased risk for cardiac events, and more. Think about it before you decide that competitive eating is your true calling. The stomach doesn’t make the man.
- Climbing Stuff—You’d rather risk life and limb than let that kindergartener out monkey-bar you. Trees? They’re for wusses. You can take that 50-foot cliff at the state park where your family is supposed to be having a nice picnic, right? The cliff your brother dared you to climb in your Vans and Dockers that you have no business climbing? You’d rather fall into the icy embrace of the river below than let him see you hesitate. But then your archenemy—gravity—shows up and you’re forced to confront the possibility of disablement, death, or worst of all, abject humiliation. Maybe the climbing wall at the gym would be a better place to start.
- Extreme Sports—I also ran a marathon during The Best Year Ever, but I wouldn’t exactly characterize that as super dangerous. I mean, the first guy to run one did perish, but I figured I could always stop before I reached that point (in the end, I was only partly right). But today, the list of extreme sports and races you can sign up for is… extreme. Spartan races, ultra marathons, aerial skiing, snow-cross, aerosuit flying. The list goes on. To each their own, but if you attempt one of these, please check your ego—and your qualifications—at the door. No one wants to see that snowmobile land on you.
That’s just a sampling. I haven’t even gotten into the wonders of personal watercraft racing, rodeo, paintball, or doing a Raiders of the Lost Ark-style shot throw-down with a member of a motorcycle gang.
I suppose upon reflection, the Running of The Bulls, with all its attendant dangers, was the right daredevil adventure for me to prove my manhood. I survived, and I have some nice stories and a fine white outfit to show for it all. So consider what extreme pursuit might be right for you in 2018. After all, there’s nothing like a little risk and a little bravery once in a while to make life more exciting.