“You Want Me to Throw It HOW Far?” The Terrible Ceremonial First Pitch Hall of Shame
In case you missed it, on Wednesday, August 16 at Fenway Park, Jordan Leandre—the former Dana-Farber Cancer Institute patient who became famous in Boston as a child for running the bases at Fenway and also appeared in the movie Fever Pitch—became a member of a Hall of Fame far more important in my eyes than the one in Cooperstown.
Specifically, Jordan did THIS when he threw out the ceremonial first pitch before the game (trigger alert for—well, for any guy, since this has happened to every one of us in one way or another):http://www.fhm.com/posts/the-red-sox-ceremonial-first-pitch-fail-video-139586
Man, I could watch that all day. But I digress. The fact is, I have endless admiration for anyone who can take a task as simple as soft-tossing a baseball to someone standing 60’ 6” away and turn it into a trip to the ER. When I threw out the first pitch at a Cincinnati Reds game during my Best Year Ever, my greatest fear was ending up on a list like this. So Jordan’s epic fail got me thinking about the worst-ever (and by that, I mean the BEST-ever) ceremonial first pitch disasters. Here are the members of my Ceremonial First Pitch Hall of Shame:
Carl Lewis, Safeco Field, June 18, 2003
Carl Lewis is a 9-time Olympic gold medalist, a world-class athlete with skills most of us can’t even imagine. Which made his shank job in Seattle even more ridiculous. In the video, Lewis rocks, deals…and dribbles a ten-hopper toward the catcher that my grandmother could beat. To be fair, granny can’t long jump worth a toot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFW029Q8K_M
Michael Jordan, Wrigley Field, September 28, 1998
Another incredible athlete who proves that prowess in one sport is no guarantee against sucking like a Dyson vacuum in another. Michael trots to the mound wearing a Sammy Sosa jersey, winds up…and throws the pitch over everything and everyone, all the way to the backstop. Embarrassed, the greatest NBA player of all time grins sheepishly and exits the field with all deliberate speed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5elBYYSFy00
Carly Rae Jepsen, Tropicana Field, July 14, 2013
Call me, maybe? Not after that disaster. The pop star’s release point was just a little off, causing her to throw the ball directly into the ground and about 15 feet to the left of its intended flight path. To her credit, she immediately broke into hysterical laughter about the flub, so she clearly makes up for in self-deprecation what she lacks in athleticism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgwAywJlo1M
50 Cent, Citi Field, May 27, 2014
50 Cent’s notoriously manly image took a serious hit after the hip-hop superstar took the mound before the Mets-Pirates game. The lefty went into the stretch, delivered—and nearly took out the photographer standing 20 FEET to the left of home plate with a slicing drive that could’ve been one of my tee shots at the Old Course. The good news: 50 Cent busted a gut about it and no spectators were injured. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83FHj53QBHY
Monique Evans, Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, August 15, 2014
Miss Texas Evans gave it the old college try…if you went to clown college. She was wearing her tiara, which must’ve cut off the flow of blood to her brain because for some reason, she tried to sort of bowl the baseball to the catcher. Or maybe she was trying a softball-style pitch. Whatever the idea was, the ball got about a foot of airtime and then trickled away on the grass as though it had been humiliated. At least she laughed herself, which I respect. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x43XP7tZxAs
Mariah Carey, Tokyo Dome, May 28, 2008
Ms. Carey has a golden voice for the ages, but she gets the bottom spot on this list not only because of her splendidly inept pitching form but her incredibly inappropriate footwear. In the video, when she’s escorted to the mound by Tokyo Giants mascots, the camera zooms in to show that she’s wearing sparkly, platform-heeled sneakers. Let me repeat that. Sparkly. Platform-heeled. Sneakers. An epically botched pitch was almost inevitable, and Ms. Carey delivered, weakly wristing the ball toward the catcher with a gesture and fake smile that said, “I hate you, I hate this game, and I want to go home now.”
Winner/loser. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaYuxTj4yh4
